We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Incredible customer service.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.