We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.