There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
You Might Also Like
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.