we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.