we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374