cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons