I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
cats when you pet them too long:
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.