Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Batman v Dracula
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*