We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Children of the corn 🌽
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.