We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Try and stop me.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
The booster protects against what, now?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
🙄😏😂🤣
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.