Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
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It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.