we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.