We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
my dad has had enough
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥