@shariv67: We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he's been reading the news and knows he won't get punished for it.
@robfee: Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations. "Our son is covered in pentagrams!" Well maybe he's just allergic to dairy.
@Amburglar_: Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
@SamuelHLowe: My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He's full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.