We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.