@shariv67: We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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@marcia_bee: Coworker: I lost my phone. Me: WHAT? CW: I don't know where it is. M:*perplexed look* You're not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!
@iGreenMonk: TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
@jwomackou: Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm?? Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
@weinerdog4life: I've been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.