It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.