ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You Might Also Like
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own