We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.