We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes