We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
How is it still this week?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…