“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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Don’t snitch tag.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My ideal weight is five million dollars