“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
scrabbled eggs
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out