We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
We’ve all been there…
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.