We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My teenage children choosing violence
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind