We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.