@TheMichaelRock: We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.
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@Reverend_Scott: Wife: "Notice anything?" Me: "Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?" Wife: "You forgot to wear pants."
@smelbz: The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
@ReeseButCallMeV: I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.