“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.