Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me