@isabelzawtun: We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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@snowmedia: My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"
@misfarber: Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
@DirtMcTurd: Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter