We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date