I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
decorating my apartment
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT