@liv_thatsme: We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I'm talking about a full scale alien attack.
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@trevso_electric: Filming my own version of "Taken" using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
@StoferComic: My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn't know the song "Get Off the Stage or Die." Elvis, maybe?
@TheGladStork: "Hey kids, you like candy?" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful [2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit