@liv_thatsme: We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I'm talking about a full scale alien attack.
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@secondofhername: [if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before.
@jordan_stratton: Finally found a house! We couldn't afford it and it wasn't for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
@BradBroaddus: It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I'm looking through her window.
@PanicRestroom: How to run faster: 1. Drink a lot of water 2. Wait till u have to pee 3. Start running You're welcome