I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Don’t talk down to me
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”