We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
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hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
ouch
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.