We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Where is your GOD now????
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister