Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I did not eat the cake…
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.