“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.