We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
damn he’s good
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.