We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.