We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Great acting.. 😂
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.