Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
That’s no pocket rocket.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”