@WilliamAder: We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
@PhuckinCody: [first date] HER: i'm really into astronomy ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don't say
@pleatedjeans: OMINOUS CHANTING *pentagram starts to glow* YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE! *Satan tosses pillow through portal* UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!