We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?