We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
who wants to go expliring
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song