We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.