We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off