We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….