We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
there has never been a better use of this meme
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My support group can outdrink your support group.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”