We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.