We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
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Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
#Caturday
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.