Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.