My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.