We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.