We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.