We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Happens to everyone.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful