We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears