@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
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@jimmytorosian: Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won't throw them back because they've been told their whole life that they shouldn't.
@amydillon: Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
@rickolantern: I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.