We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I love it all
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.